10 things which took me 50 years to learn

1. If I had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and will never achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meeting". 
2. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
7. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not participating.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
10. It will take another 30 years for me to learn everything I need to learn. Then I just have to remember them.

Important Show

        A lawyer trying to get tickets to Rent, the show of the year, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
        The lawyer replied that his wife couldn’t make it. The woman asked him if he didn’t have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”

Best Son

        Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
        The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
        "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful; in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
        The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
        The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
        As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
        "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out" he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
        As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

Bill Gates in Heaven

        When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house, a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
        One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
        "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
        "Actually." the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
        "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
        "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
        Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
        Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?!!!"
        "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

Lessons to learn

Lesson Number one

        A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered:" Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

        A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story : Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

        When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Air Force One

        Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."
        Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
        Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
        Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy!"

Did You Know .........

- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
- A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
- A shrimp's heart is in their head
- People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
- In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
- It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
- More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
- Rats and horses can't vomit
- If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
- Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
- Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
- If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
- 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
- In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
- Most lipstick contains fish scales.
- Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
- Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't shop (hence, they waste less money).
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had...
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
A dog's parents never visit!

Preacher and Cabbie

        After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

        "I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

        "Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

        "Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

        "Exactly," said Saint Peter. "And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they prayed nonstop."

Only In America!

Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America .... do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ..... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a "diet" coke.

Only in America .... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America .... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America .... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

Gender of Computer

Women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they used to communicate with each other is incomprehensible
to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.